Wednesday, June 3, 2009

F*** You, Ramps

Dear Mouse,

Take a letter.

{Note: Anyone not familiar with F*** You, Penguin should go here immediately.}




Wow, Ramps. It's that time again, isn't it? Ooooooooh you have such a short season!!! I better come and get you before it's too late! I better just DROP whatever I'm doing like all the other SUCKERS and come scurrying to find you, which will give me some kind of culinary superiority over my peers when we talk about you later, and if I don't find you -- what? I'll be left with such a VOID where a TINY GREEN WEED could have been. Oh no. What if I miss the SACRED RAMP TIME? What will I do for the other 11 MONTHS of my year? Guess I'll just have to spend the time weeping on my kitchen table, now and then raising my tearstained face to ask passing waiters where you've gone. I'll haunt the farmers market, rooting through bins of leeks. I'll smuggle pickling spices and whole plates of pasta onto the subway just in case I happen to run into you. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. What makes you so fucking special? "Ooh, in Appalachia, they hold whole festivals in my honor!" I'm not even going to go there, Ramps. You know what else is native to North America? DIRT. "OOh... it's a scallion! No, it's garlic! No it's a chive!" Hey, ramps, we get along just fine using scallions, garlic, and chives for most of the time. Most of our LIVES, even. Sometimes when we want a sort of wild, green garlicky taste that combines the best of both scallion, leek, and garlic, we use.... gasp! SCALLION, LEEK, AND GARLIC. Sure it's not exactly the same, but at least we can keep our dignity and get on with our lives. Get down off your mighty ramp horse, it's not like ANYone even remembers you when you're not here.


Love,
The Boo

PS. This recipe and is delicious and easy. Also, may I recommend the "spring onion broth" with gruyere/ramp dumplings, currently on the menu at Savoy.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

very spicey this entry...loved this drama, the dialogue and the defiance the challenge sending me to the kitchen to try these arrogant fellows, test their integrity by doing it once with what they claim to embody and then with them alone...we shall see...

annie said...

hysterical. pant-wetting-ly funny.